


Beauty in the Breakdown

by visionshadows



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-18
Updated: 2005-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-11 13:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/112692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visionshadows/pseuds/visionshadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray could cut it though. He wasn't  Chicago fit anymore. He was snow fit. He was Inuvik fit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beauty in the Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stormymouse](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=stormymouse).



  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


BEAUTY IN THE BREAKDOWN

|   
---|---  
  


> _  
> When they were in _ _Nunavut_ _ – Ray wasn’t entirely sure where, but he knew that Fraser knew – Ray decided he didn’t want to leave. _ _Chicago_ _ didn’t have anything on _ _Canada_ _ as far as he was concerned. Snow, snow was his best friend. He loved snow. He even rolled naked in snow when Fraser made him. _
> 
> _And he loved Fraser and Fraser loved snow and Ray didn’t want to leave Fraser or snow right now. _
> 
> _“Ben?” Fraser doesn’t turn around, still busying himself with the dogs. “Fraser. Fraser. _Fraser_.” _
> 
> _Fraser turned around to look at him. “Yes, Ray?” _
> 
> _Ray took a step towards him, pausing. “Ben.” _
> 
> _“Yes, Ray?” Fraser tilted his head a little. “Is everything alright?” _
> 
> _“I don’t want to go back. To _ _Chicago_ _.” Ray stepped towards him again. “This is what I want.” He gestured with his hand. “_ _Snow_ _, _ _Canada_ _, you.” _
> 
> _“_ _Snow_ _, _ _Canada_ _ … me?” _
> 
> _The dogs barked loudly, tugging on their lines. Fraser turned to look at them briefly, then back at Ray who was still standing awkwardly in the snow, his woolen cap in his hands. _
> 
> _“Ray, this isn’t a decision to be made lightly.” _
> 
> _Ray’s temper flared at that and he moved quickly – as quickly as he could wearing snow pants, snowshoes, and twenty-two layers of clothes – towards Fraser. He grabbed Fraser’s parka, holding on tightly. _
> 
> _“I don’t make decisions lightly, Ben.” _
> 
> _Fraser covered Ray’s hands with his own, holding tightly. “Why are you calling me Ben?” _
> 
> _“It’s your name,” Ray said fiercely. “Goddammit, it’s your name.” _
> 
> _“I know,” Fraser said to him gently. “Ray, what is wrong?” _
> 
> _“Do you get it?” asked Ray. “What I’m trying to say to you? Do you get it?” _
> 
> _Fraser looked at him for a long time, long enough for Ray to map the hollowed contours of his face, the heavy stubble, the raw redness around Fraser’s nostrils. Finally, Ray closed his eyes, turning away. _
> 
> _“No,” Fraser said immediately, his hands tightening around Ray’s. “I know what you’re saying, Ray. I understand.” _
> 
> _“Can I stay then?” asked Ray, his voice pathetically weak to his own ears. _
> 
> _“Yes,” Fraser said quietly before leaning forward, pressing his chapped lips against Ray’s, his gloved hands on Ray’s face. “As long as you want to.” _
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> Ray looked at the card key in his hand, flipping it a few times before shoving it back in his pocket and knocking lightly on the door. Fraser always told him to just come in, it was his room too, but Ray felt weird just walking in like that even if Fraser was expecting him.
> 
> Fraser opened the door, peering out at Ray blearily. "Ray?"
> 
> "Expecting someone else?" asked Ray, hitching his bag up a little higher. His stomach felt a little fluttery as he looked at Fraser's mussed hair and the sheet marks on his cheek. "Were you asleep?"
> 
> Fraser blinked sleepily and scratched his arm. "Yes. I thought you were given a key."
> 
> "You know I hate using those things," Ray said as he stepped inside. "It feels wrong to just barge into a hotel room that someone is already in.”
> 
> Fraser yawned, hiding it behind his hand. “Honestly Ray. I would have preferred staying asleep.”
> 
> Ray dropped his bag next to Fraser and sat down on the bed to take off his boots. “C’mon. Let’s go back to sleep then.”
> 
> Fraser nodded a little and began to unbutton his flannel shirt, pulling it off. Ray stood up and rested a hand on Fraser’s shoulder, lightly pressing until Fraser turned around, his back to Ray.
> 
> “Wow,” Ray whispered, lifting a hand to touch the delicate lines and curves of the wings tattooed on Fraser’s back. With one trembling finger, Ray traced the curve of the right wing from the top of Fraser’s shoulder and down to the small of his back. They were unfinished, but beautiful. “They healed up nice.”
> 
> Fraser’s head was bowed and his hands clutched at the shirt in his hands. “Only a few more visits and they will be completed.”
> 
> Ray slid his arms around Fraser’s waist, his stubbled cheek pressed against Fraser’s back. “Yeah. Only a few more times.”
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
> “So Vecchio thinks I’m fucking nuts,” Ray said around a mouthful of pad Thai. “And Welsh told him that’s how I work and if he wants a place on the force, he’s gotta be my partner. Cause no one else will.”
> 
> “Ray is really a very able officer,” Fraser said, dabbing at his mouth with a napkin. “Just give him a chance.”
> 
> Ray leveled him with an annoyed gaze. “He married my ex-wife.”
> 
> “True,” Fraser said with a nod, leaning over to spear a shrimp from Ray’s plate. “And you are sleeping with his ex-partner.”
> 
> “Not as often as he’s sleeping with my ex-wife.”
> 
> Fraser looked at him for a moment before going back to his food. Ray shut his eyes briefly, knowing he’d fucked up again. They got four days every three months while Fraser was getting his tattoo finished and Ray always, _always_ said something that hurt Fraser or pissed him off or made his lips tighten just a little in that way Ray _knew_ meant Fraser was contemplating never seeing him again.
> 
> “Fuck,” Ray sighed and dropped his fork. He leaned over and kissed Fraser deeply, tasting spice and chilies and the sweetness of lemongrass. “I’m an idiot. You know that, Frase. So just ignore the stupid shit I say about Stella and Vecchio and us.”
> 
> Fraser wrapped his fingers around Ray’s wrist and squeezed. “It’s okay. I understand.”
> 
> Ray nodded a little too fast, bumping his shoulder against Fraser’s. “So I’m chasing this guy named Smelly Rick, which is such a bad nickname it’s not even funny, and he gets me cornered in an alley and I learn the hard way why his nickname is Smelly Rick…”
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> _Ray jittered his way through the first two months of life in _ _Inuvik_ _. By the third month, he was settled in to his new life. It was a temporary posting so they lived in temporary housing with a temporary car and a not-so temporary dog team. Ray really liked the dog team, especially Bear who was all black and lean and kept Dief from being eaten by the rest of the team. _
> 
> _Dief was really soft after living in _ _Chicago_ _ for so long. But then again, so was Fraser. Dief had Bear looking out for him. All Fraser had was Ray. _
> 
> _Ray could cut it though. He wasn’t _ _Chicago_ _ fit anymore. He was snow fit. He was _ _Inuvik_ _ fit._
> 
> Ray had friends in _Chicago__ and in __Inuvik__. He went down to the bar to shoot darts with Jacob and Randy. He helped Mrs. Chinook paint her front room and picked Fraser up from work everyday. _
> 
> _He called his Mom and Frannie once a week like clockwork, keeping them updated on his life. It was through Frannie he found out the department was starting to question whether or not he was going to come back. _
> 
> _After Ray studied the Canadian immigration laws, he realized he would have to. _
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> Vancouver was a city Ray could live in. It wasn’t like Toronto where everything was too fast, too crowded, too damn _Canadian_. Not that Vancouver wasn’t Canadian, but it was a Canadian Ray could handle. And it definitely wasn’t fucking Moosejaw which was where Fraser was currently hanging his hat and wolf until the RCMP felt like transferring him to somewhere even more remote like maybe Tuktoyuktuk. Ray knew he’d be able to cut it in Inuvik again, but Tuktoyuktuk was out of the fucking question. Plus the marriage laws in the Territories weren’t going to help either of them out anytime soon.
> 
> Sometimes, Ray was pretty sure it was just because the Canucks weren’t as annoying as the Maple Leafs. Not that he would admit it to Fraser anytime soon, but he could deal with the Canucks if they ended up being his hometown hockey team.
> 
> “Ray,” Fraser said, his voice slightly exasperated. “Ray, Ray, _Ray_.”
> 
> Ray looked over at him, his hand brushing against Fraser’s as they walked down the street. “Yeah?”
> 
> “I asked if you wanted coffee.” Fraser pointed at a coffee shop they’d been to that last time they were in Vancouver. “It is going to be a few hours.”
> 
> “Nah,” Ray said, shaking his head. “Makes me too jittery. Roz hates it if I jitter when I’m holding your hand. Says it messes her up. Not that I’ve seen any mistakes or anything.”
> 
> Fraser smiled at him gently. “You’re babbling.”
> 
> “Yeah well, you’re about to sit through another three hours of intense pain,” Ray muttered. “There was a reason I got a little tiny tattoo on my shoulder, you know.”
> 
> “And that is?”
> 
> Ray could definitely hear the amusement in Fraser’s voice now. “I’m a wuss who hates pain.”
> 
> “Ah,” Fraser said with an amused smile. “I understand now. And watching me go through pain causes you pain because you are such a sensitive man.”
> 
> “Damn straight,” Ray said with a nod. “You can’t stop now though. Half-finished wings are definitely not the fashion statement of the moment.”
> 
> “Oh yes,” Fraser said dryly. “Because I am currently at the height of fashion.”
> 
> Ray shrugged. “Plaid is in.”
> 
> Fraser raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps you should spend a little less time around Francesca.”
> 
> “That obvious?”
> 
> “We’re discussing fashion,” Fraser said calmly. “Last time I checked, neither of us was really _that_ gay.”
> 
> “I’ve been practicing,” Ray said with a smirk. He swished his hips a little. “What do you think?”
> 
> Fraser shrugged a little. “I’d rather you practice with me.”
> 
> “Aw shit,” Ray sighed heavily. “I didn’t mean _that_.”
> 
> Fraser looked at his watch, his jaw tight again. Ray closed his eyes briefly before reaching for Fraser’s hand and squeezing it tightly. “What time is it, Ben?”
> 
> “ 10:30,” Fraser said quietly, looking at their hands now. Ray didn’t let go. “Roz is expecting us no later than 11.”
> 
> “Plenty of time then.” Ray tugged on Fraser’s hand and turned around. “I think I do want a coffee. How about you?”
> 
> Fraser stood on the sidewalk, his hand still in Ray’s and for just a moment, Ray was sure that Fraser was going to tell him everything was over and Ray should really just go back to Chicago right now and Fraser’s wings would get finished without Ray holding his hand and telling stupid stories about guys named Smelly Rick. For the thousandth time since Ray got on that damn plane in Inuvik, Ray wished he had just said fuck it all and told Fraser that he was staying.
> 
> But then Fraser exhaled slowly and nodded. “Coffee sounds wonderful.”
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
> “Look, Kowalski. Stop fidgeting or else I’m gonna kick you the fuck out of here.”
> 
> Ray forced himself still _again_ because he hated being threatened by a woman who could kick his ass when she _wasn’t _brandishing a tattoo gun and would most likely tattoo his ass when she was.
> 
> Fraser lifted his head slightly, the lines around his mouth tight with pain. “Ray. Please relax.”
> 
> Ray nodded quickly and rested his hand on Fraser’s neck briefly. “I’m relaxed. Lay back down.”
> 
> Fraser rested his head back down on the small pillow and Ray stroked gentle fingers through his hair. The ends were damp with sweat as Roz bent low over Fraser’s back and Ray leaned over to press his lips to the top of Fraser’s head when he heard a low gasp of pain.
> 
> “You’re doing great, Ben,” Ray whispered softly. “They look beautiful.”
> 
> Roz turned her head slightly, her hand lifting from Fraser’s back. “Do you need a moment?”
> 
> Fraser shook his head immediately, clutching at Ray’s hand. “No. Keep going please.”
> 
> Ray exhaled slowly and nodded. “Yeah. He’s fine. Trust me on this one, Roz. I’ve seen him take a lot more and just say thank you kindly.”
> 
> “Honestly, Ray,” Fraser’s voice was laced with pain and muffled against his arm, but still affectionate. “I’ve never said thank you kindly to anyone who has hurt me.”
> 
> “You say thank you kindly to me every time you leave here,” Roz said before she bent low over his back again, the tattoo needle humming against Fraser’s reddened skin.
> 
> “I ask for this pain.”
> 
> Ray watched Roz wipe blood and ink off Fraser’s skin before he turned his head away to look at the pictures on the walls. Fraser’s hand tightened around his fingers again, a brief spasm the only acknowledgment that she really was causing him quite a bit of pain.
> 
> _“I’m closer to 40 than I am 30, Ray, and I’ve never done anything that hasn’t been expected of me in one way or another,” Fraser had said one night in bed. _
> 
> _“Fraser, nothing you’ve ever done has been expected.” _
> 
> _Fraser had let out a very exasperated sigh and pushed Ray’s head up so he could look at him. “I want to do this. I _need_ to do this.” _
> 
> _“Okay,” Ray had said gently, lifting his hand to touch Fraser’s jaw lightly. “Okay.” _
> 
> Tattoos scared Ray. His own had been done under the influence of alcohol, teenage stupidity, and the desire to impress Stella.
> 
> Fraser wanted a tattoo to finally set himself free.
> 
> Fraser’s hand spasmed again and Ray looked back at him, his free hand cupping the back of Fraser’s head again, stroking through thick hair.
> 
> “Right, so Welsh and Frannie think they’re fooling everyone, but they’re not. I swear, even Vecchio knows. And not because the kid look like a bulldog or anything. She’s actually pretty cute. It’s just so obvious.” Ray kissed Fraser’s head again. “Plus I found them kissing in the supply closet.”
> 
> Fraser snorted a little in muffled laughter and Ray smiled at the sound. Deep inside, something unraveled and he knew, _knew_, that when this was all over, he would be trekking his ass up to Moosejaw or wherethefuckever the RCMP decided to station Fraser next year. Even if he had to marry the guy to get past the damn immigration laws.
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> _Ray shoved his hands in his pockets, refusing to look up as his bags were loaded onto the small plane. Fraser was making small talk with the pilot, a man named Jacob who had turned out to be an old friend of Fraser’s grandfather. _
> 
> _Dief pressed his nose against Ray’s knee, whining softly. Ray knelt down and took Dief’s face in his hands. _
> 
> _“You take care of Fraser, okay? He’s gonna need you since I’m so far away.” Ray’s voice broke slightly. “I’ll ship you donuts if I can.” _
> 
> _“Ray,” Fraser said from behind him. “There’s no need to ship donuts. I’m sure it would be best that he stop eating them once and for all.” _
> 
> _Ray stood up, a pained smile on his face. “He likes ‘em.” _
> 
> _Fraser pressed his lips together, reaching out a hand to touch Ray’s jaw, his fingers playing against the scruff Ray hadn’t felt like shaving that morning. Ray closed his eyes, turning his face into Fraser’s hand. _
> 
> _“We could just not tell ‘em I’m here,” Ray said even though they’d talked it to death already. “I could be your illegal alien.” _
> 
> _“Ray,” Fraser murmured. “Do we have to do this again now?” _
> 
> _“No,” Ray said, closing his eyes. “Just kiss me goodbye and promise you’ll call when you go to get that tattoo you keep going on about.” _
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> Ray pushed the door to Roz’s tattoo parlor open, the bells over the door jingling. It was Sunday afternoon and Roz was stretched out on one of the tables, drinking a soda and talking to another tattoo artist named Kit.
> 
> Roz looked up when he came in. “Kowalski? I thought we did our thing yesterday.”
> 
> “Yeah,” Ray said as he shifted a little by the front counter. “You got a free appointment?”
> 
> Roz swung her legs over the side of the table and hopped off. She grinned at him and set her soda on the table. “For you?”
> 
> Ray nodded, peeling his leather jacket off. “I want a tattoo.”
> 
> “Benny’s not here to hold your hand?”
> 
> “I put him on a plane back to Inuvik this morning,” Ray said quietly. “He doesn’t know I’m here.”
> 
> Roz rested a hand on her hip, looking at him for a long time. “Sure. I got time for you, Kowalski. What do you want done?”
> 
> Ray slid a hand to his hip, tugging his jeans down slightly. “Ben’s name.” He touched the hollow of his hip. “Right here. Where only he can see it.”
> 
> “You’re such a fucking romantic,” Roz said, hooking her arm with his. “Let’s go before you lose your nerve. Kit, babe. You’re gonna need to hold Ray’s hand.”
> 
> Ray let Roz settle him on the tattoo table, unbuttoning his jeans and pushing them down for her. Kit took his hand and grinned at him, squeezing gently. “You ready, man?”
> 
> Ray looked at Roz, smiling a little. “I’m ready.”

  
  
  
 

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